Writing Prompt: "He would give his right arm for..."

The Admiral said he would give his right arm for his left one. Back in the old days, they’d cut off your left arm for a crime as paltry as taking a apple from a vendor. Not that that’s what the Admiral did, see, I was just ‘xplainin’ how easy it was to lose your arm back then.

            Well, when I met him at first, he said he lost it at sea while battlin’ a shark over a drownded sailor’s body.

            But when he was natterin’ with me mate, Auggie, he told him aboot how he were starvin’ so badly in the Arabian Desert that he drewed his own sword and chopped off his arm to et it raw. That’s the only way to survive in the Arabian Desert, he says.

            And only last month, he was spinnin’ some yarn of a time when he were battlin’ pirates in the Mediterranean. He says ‘twere the Pirate King who swang his blade and sliced the Admiral’s arm clean off. This was when the Admiral says he was on his way to rescue the Egyptian Princess from the captivity of the Persians.

            The Admiral was sech a friendly and believable fellow. I always assumed each new tale was the true one, doubting the facts of each one before.

            Contemplatin’ the matter now, I guess he might ha’ lost it to a shark, seein’ as he was on the high seas mosts of his career.

But, I can say for certain he wouldn’t ha’ cut off his very own left arm, since that was the one he was most partial to.

            And it’s possible a pirate lobbed it off, although never in my days ha’ I heerd of a Egyptian Princess being tooked by any Persian.

This scene is mainly me goofing off while practicing using accents. What do you think? Good? Okay? Decent? Meh? Yuck? Should I lay off the apostrophes? When you read it, how do you imagine the narrator looking? What kind of character do you imagine him to be?